The Rainbow’s End

Dear Robyn,

today produced a beautiful rainbow which always reminds me of you. I am feeling quite low at the moment but trying to keep busy. We have been talking about the embryo that is left from your cycle and think that probably we will allow it to be thawed. I don’t think either of us could go through treatment again.

That opens up a landscape of grief that I am not sure how to deal with. I want to move on from IVF and draw a line under it, to look forward and enjoy what I’ve got. But it just leaves me feeling sad. Sad because it was a chapter you were the main theme of, a chapter that I will have to close. But how? How do I close the book never to open it again? How do I write the next chapter? No doubt I will have to work through the pain which is something I would rather ignore and bury deep down where I can’t reach it anymore. It feels too raw and with no help to process it.

While we drove out into the countryside through the arch of the rainbow, I thought about you. I thought about how I long to meet you at the rainbows end. That you are the rainbow. You are the sunshine, the wind on a spring day, the rain and the bird’s song. You are in everything which is comforting but despairing simultaneously. How do I move through it Robyn? I feel so alone. A stillbirth feels a complex grief, a baby signifies a beginning but ours came to an end.

Fly high little one, fly to the rainbow’s end.

Love from Mummy xxxx