Sorry it took me so long

Dear Robyn,

it has been 9 months since I last wrote, apart from scribbled paragraphs on the back of envelopes, in notebooks, on scraps of paper. I am sorry it has took me so long.

I went back to work in September after maternity leave which took months to adjust, and just as I did, I relapsed. But I am getting there now with the help of those around me and lots of running. I guess that is the nature of the beast of bipolar.

This time of year is always tough Robyn, it reminds me of being pregnant with you, the all day sickness that ran beyond 12 weeks, the winter days, the hopeful planning. Now it is a build up to your birthday, which I always want to celebrate, it is just painful at the same time.

It is 7 weeks and 2 days until the London marathon which I am running in your memory for the wonderful charity Tommy’s. The day of the marathon is the day of your 3rd birthday so it is extra special. Everyone has been truly amazing with donating and I have raised over £1,000 so far. All for you. Not bad for little old me.

The reason I am doing this is to mark your birthday, your life, for you to never be forgotten. I feel alive when I run and in turn I feel like I am keeping you alive. I have been training hard since October, in the rain, hail, sunshine and most recently, in blizzards and several inches of snow! I hope I do you proud on the day.

I will keep you updated each week on the run up to the marathon. Next is to have my vest printed with your name and date of birth.

Miss you heaps little one, keep running with me.

Lots of love,

Mummy xxx


All That Will Never Be

To my beautiful boy,

Can you believe I’ve been writing to you for two years? The last week has been very hard and I have cried a lot. I long to have you back, to have time with you again. Your brother, bless his heart, can never make up for losing you. I want him and you, my two boys. I want my twin boys, what would life have been like with twin boys? The chaos and mess hey! You were identical twins and I’m sure you would have been very close brothers, keeping each other occupied. 

I miss that I’ll never get to make rice crispie cakes with you or paint a picture. We could do our handprints in paint. Mine would be the big hand and yours would be the tiny hand. After that we could clean up and go to the park, go on the swings and the slide. Collect some leaves and sticks. 

These are all things I would have loved to do with you but they are things that will never be. I miss you today as much as the day you left us. I wish I could be with you to play in the clouds.

Sending floaty kisses, love always,

Mummy, xxxx

Still Hurting

To my special boy,

Mummy misses you so very much. I am full of raw sadness and pain, it’s hard to put one foot in front of the other. I am 2 years into my journey without you but some days feel like I have only just lost you.

Your brother turned one last week and I don’t know if that has been the driver for another wave of grief. Your brother, bless his heart, can never make up for what we lost. He can never replace or eradicate the pain. All my grieving went on hold when I got pregnant with him 6 months after I lost you, maybe now all my grief is catching up with me. Seeing him have a birthday party was beautiful and a wonderful celebration but inside I thought of how you would never have a birthday party. Never open a present or blow out a candle. I didn’t just lose a baby, I lost a toddler, a school boy, a teenager, an adult.

I yearn for you everyday, sometimes I want to scream “I don’t want anyone or anything else, I want my baby!!” I want my Robyn, I want that pregnancy back, I want that time with you again. Saying I miss you doesn’t even sum up the love I have for you. I wish I could hold you again, hold your tiny hands, marvel at your tiny toes. So perfectly formed, so innocent. I wish I could kiss your head again and wrap you up one last time. I don’t understand why you had to be poorly, why you had to be taken from us. Now I am in the book of life after Robyn. I can never go back to the book of life before the loss of Robyn. I am so cold and lonely without you, I wish there was something that could fill this black hole that I’m left with.

The running is going well. I’ve kept to my training plan and the mileage is slowly creeping up now. I did 16 miles last week. My knee is playing up a little so I will have to keep an eye on that and hope it doesn’t become a big injury. I think of you on every run, whenever I feel tired or out of breath, I think of you and how you kept going for as long as you did. 

Keep warm and snuggled, miss you and love you always,

Mummy xxxx

London Marathon 2018

Whilst watching this years London marathon on tv, the thousands of runners and all the work leading up to that day, my partner turned to me and said “why don’t you go in for it next year?”. We quickly realised it would fall on Robyn’s birthday so it was a must.

Thanks to baby brain and tiredness I missed the ballot and so set about securing a charity place, which thankfully I did with the charity Tommy’s. I drew up a training plan breaking it down into goals. I will be running a 10k in September and a half marathon in late October. I might get another one in between December and March. Alongside the training plan, I drew up a fundraising plan as I have to raise £2000 for the charity which is a lot! As well as sponsorship I have some ideas to keep some money rolling in.

It is going to be a full on project with the running and the fundraising. I have thankfully some wonderful friends who have kindly offered their help and support which is amazing. 

So there you have it, I am running the London Marathon 2018 in memory of my little boy Robyn, for all he didn’t get to see and experience, for all the heartache and pain, let’s have a sense of gratitude and achievement.