All That Will Never Be

To my beautiful boy,

Can you believe I’ve been writing to you for two years? The last week has been very hard and I have cried a lot. I long to have you back, to have time with you again. Your brother, bless his heart, can never make up for losing you. I want him and you, my two boys. I want my twin boys, what would life have been like with twin boys? The chaos and mess hey! You were identical twins and I’m sure you would have been very close brothers, keeping each other occupied. 

I miss that I’ll never get to make rice crispie cakes with you or paint a picture. We could do our handprints in paint. Mine would be the big hand and yours would be the tiny hand. After that we could clean up and go to the park, go on the swings and the slide. Collect some leaves and sticks. 

These are all things I would have loved to do with you but they are things that will never be. I miss you today as much as the day you left us. I wish I could be with you to play in the clouds.

Sending floaty kisses, love always,

Mummy, xxxx


Still Hurting

To my special boy,

Mummy misses you so very much. I am full of raw sadness and pain, it’s hard to put one foot in front of the other. I am 2 years into my journey without you but some days feel like I have only just lost you.

Your brother turned one last week and I don’t know if that has been the driver for another wave of grief. Your brother, bless his heart, can never make up for what we lost. He can never replace or eradicate the pain. All my grieving went on hold when I got pregnant with him 6 months after I lost you, maybe now all my grief is catching up with me. Seeing him have a birthday party was beautiful and a wonderful celebration but inside I thought of how you would never have a birthday party. Never open a present or blow out a candle. I didn’t just lose a baby, I lost a toddler, a school boy, a teenager, an adult.

I yearn for you everyday, sometimes I want to scream “I don’t want anyone or anything else, I want my baby!!” I want my Robyn, I want that pregnancy back, I want that time with you again. Saying I miss you doesn’t even sum up the love I have for you. I wish I could hold you again, hold your tiny hands, marvel at your tiny toes. So perfectly formed, so innocent. I wish I could kiss your head again and wrap you up one last time. I don’t understand why you had to be poorly, why you had to be taken from us. Now I am in the book of life after Robyn. I can never go back to the book of life before the loss of Robyn. I am so cold and lonely without you, I wish there was something that could fill this black hole that I’m left with.

The running is going well. I’ve kept to my training plan and the mileage is slowly creeping up now. I did 16 miles last week. My knee is playing up a little so I will have to keep an eye on that and hope it doesn’t become a big injury. I think of you on every run, whenever I feel tired or out of breath, I think of you and how you kept going for as long as you did. 

Keep warm and snuggled, miss you and love you always,

Mummy xxxx