Day 8


Dear Robyn,

You will be 8 days old in exactly 10 minutes. It’s been a whole week since we held you and kissed you. Some days I think of all the positive things I can do in your memory and to keep your life going, to mark your life in this world. Other days it takes all my energy just to breathe.
Often when I wake up in the night I sit in your room, it helps me feel closer to you. So does writing to you, I feel like you’re never too far away from me then. Nana and Steve have bought you a beautiful golden celebration rose in a lovely pot that we can put in the garden. When it flowers it will be a bright golden yellow rose. We’ve called it Robyn’s rose. It’s very fitting as your name means bright and shining.
We had to go back to the hospital yesterday as I wasn’t feeling very well. While we were sat in the clinic room waiting for the nurse to come back in, one of the taps suddenly turned itself on and we looked at each other and said “I bet that’s Robyn!” We saw the two nurses who looked after us when you were born which was comforting to see the same ones again. We still think that you are coming home to see your nursery.
It’s raining today, I hope you are safe and warm. Lots of love & kisses xxxx

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Life without Robyn

 

Written on April 27th 2015

He is 5 days old today. I miss him terribly. Every morning when I wake up I think that the hospital will call to say he’s fine and that we can come and pick him up. In reality the only call we will receive from the hospital is when we can pick him up for his funeral. 

Dear Robyn, I miss you so much. I didn’t realise just how much you could miss someone until now. Some moments in the day I don’t know how I will ever push on. I look at my photos of you every day. You are so perfect. I wish so much that I could hold you again and then place you back in my tummy for another few months until I met you all over again. I hope that you are not upset with me for losing you. I did everything I was advised and didn’t over do anything. I thought I had given you the best start I could. I worry that my body failed you and that I didn’t save you. I had no idea that your heart would stop beating. I had to pain or bleeding. All I had was nausea that I’d had from 4 weeks. I wish I had known something so I could have saved you.
My body is aching and sore as it tries to contract and produce milk, it cries out “where is the baby?” 
Mummy & I have signed up for a 13 mile bike ride in memory of you to raise funds for the charity Sands (stillbirth & neonatal loss). We thought it would give us a positive focus on your life and a way in which we could lean on each other. Only thing is we currently have one bike between us because the other is a bmx 🙂 But we are picking up another bike this week.
The sun has shone everyday since you were born and today a little robin landed in the garden. It was like you came down to say hello. I hope you are safe and warm, your mummies love you so very much little prince xxxx

For Our Beautiful Baby

 

Written on 23rd April 2015

Our baby Robyn was born sleeping on April 22nd at 5.25pm. 

To my Robyn, I can’t believe you have gone so soon. You have 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes and look so perfect and peaceful. We are desperately heartbroken but we promise you we will never give up, we will face every day to honour the life you and your twin only briefly had.

There are so many things we wanted to teach you and so many places we wanted to show you. We still can but in our hearts instead of our arms. The days are so long and open ended without you. I am so proud of you and your twin and so glad that you are ours.
We miss you and love you so much. This is your world, you can go wherever you want to now, so long as you always come home to us. Lots of love to our little prince xxxx
“An angel in the book of life, wrote down my baby’s birth and whispered as she closed the book, too beautiful for earth”.

Second Trimester Loss after IVF

Written on 17th April 2015

I never knew heartbreak until now. Our beautiful baby was healthy at the 12 week scan. We heard the heartbeat. We started to think after four years of trying and 3 cycles of IVF that this was finally happening for us.

Our NHS scan wasn’t scheduled until 16 weeks and as we had already had a scan at 12 weeks, we were excited to see our baby again. I am already showing and we had bought a few little clothes just for those first few days & weeks.
At the scan they told us they couldn’t find a heartbeat. Three other people came and checked and they couldn’t either. The baby looked perfect, just curled up and peaceful. We went in with our maternity notes & some change to pay for scan photos. We left with no maternity notes and information on how they will induce labour and I will have to deliver our baby.
We are distraught. I will deliver our baby next week and find out if we have a boy or a girl. We just wanted another week with our baby. All our dreams and plans for our future together have gone.I feel like my heart has stopped beating too.

I’ve been to all my favourite parks to feed the ducks and into the Peak District to feel like we have shown our baby our favourite places and had some experiences together. I just want to keep you safe and not let go.
After next week I’ve no idea what we will do.