One of the rainbows he has sent to us is a rainbow baby, a term used for pregnancy after loss. Thinking about trying again whilst still grieving was hard, having to go for IVF again was even harder. Pregnancy after loss and IVF is difficult to put into words.
People think another pregnancy will make up for the loss, take away the grief, maybe even help you forget. But you don’t give birth to a child and then forget or get over it or replace it. We obviously would prefer to be pregnant again after all that has happened, it’s adapting to this anxious time.
12 weeks will never feel safe again, if I’m honest I do not know why people think 12 weeks is safe. Or 24 weeks. Sadly we learnt that not everyone goes home with a baby, no matter your scans or blood tests or the darkness of the line on a pregnancy test. It doesn’t guarantee anything.
It’s been and still is a very anxious time for us, with no marker that will settle our worries. Pregnancy after late loss is a long hard slog. Even my GP had to gently nudge me along to the midwife because I was so terrified. I feel distant from this pregnancy, so frightened we’ll have our hearts broken again. I envy those who are excited about their pregnancies, ignorant to all that could and does go wrong. I wish that I could indulge in day dreams too but we dare to only hope for one day at a time.
Each night when I get into bed, I’m grateful for another day with our rainbow and I thank Robyn for looking after us. I miss him more everyday and still cry some days when I think of what I won’t get to see him do. Hopefully he will live on with his sibling and they can reach milestones together.