I am missing you terribly. The theory of grief being cyclical seems to be proving true. I feel like I’ve plunged back into the coldest of water, surrounded only by darkness and strong currents. The cold water rushing up my nose, my lungs full to bursting from being starved of exhaling.
I am in the loneliest phase, knowing and accepting that you are gone but not ready for the future and moving on. I lost an important piece of you this past week. Someone who was a part of your story and your history. I have to find a way of moving forward without this person although I have no idea how when I am unable to move on without you.
Sometimes I dread the days, dread going to bed, dread being in the house, dread playgroup, dread nappy changes and feeding times. All the things I longed to do with you and I dread them now with your brother. I should be enjoying every minute when we went through so much to have him. And I do enjoy some things but it isn’t the way I envisaged.
During times like this I wish there was a map or a set of instructions to guide me through. I don’t feel strong enough to do this. All coinciding with deciding what to do with the frozen embryo we have in storage. It’s never easy to navigate something like this but it feels even more difficult when it is a part of you. Then everything will have gone, all the pieces will of passed.
Where does that leave me then, in colder water?