Love Locks

Dear Robyn,

mummy and I miss you so much. No words reflect or explain it enough. We are both finding things tough at the moment, it feels like we have to make our entry into the world much quicker than we feel ready for. We need so much strength to do the basics. It’s so hard going out into the world, I see pregnant women, babies and little boys, I wonder if you would like trains and cars. Now that we are approaching your due date in the next few months it’s getting more and more painful. Three months on I still think you are coming home and this nightmare will be over. Missing you is such a physical pain for which there are no pain killers, no distractions and no words to make it better. Just a lot of tears and tummy ache.

I hope you like the love lock I put on the bridge at Bakewell for you, I kissed the keys and then threw them in the river. Hopefully a big fish won’t eat them! I saw some people read your lock and it made me a little happier to know you are out there and people know how special you are. 

I hope you are playing and having fun in the garden when the sun shines. There are four yellow roses opening up on your plant, they are so bright. I wish I could sit in the garden with you and show them to you.

Sending you big cuddles and kisses. Miss you heaps and love you lots. You are my special boy always,

Mummy xxxx


12 weeks

Dear Robyn,

I can’t believe you are 12 weeks old today. I miss you more everyday. I wish I could hold you again and give you a big kiss. I hope you are playing and happy today,

Love you lots,

Mummy xxxx

Sweet Child Of Mine

Dear Robyn,

what a week! You have been very busy indeed helping mummy and I. I can’t believe it will be 12 weeks next week since you were born. It never gets any easier. The shock lessens but is replaced with heartbreak. The days leak a little light but it will forever be dark without you. We continue to live but life will never be what it was before. I miss you more everyday and don’t have a second where you are not in my thoughts. In fact even when I’m sleeping I dream about you. Last night I dreamt you were sitting on my knee and you had a cold, I wiped your little nose and you looked up at me with big blue eyes. It was so lovely to cuddle you.

That’s why it never gets any easier because when I wake up you’re not there and I’ll never get to wipe your nose or look into those blue eyes.

I know I asked you recently what I could do to help you feel our love and know that you are happy. I saw all of the signs you sent since I asked. The butterflies, the lights and most importantly what I found when I was putting your clothes away. It was painful to fold your tiny clothes away but then came your sign as if to say “I’m here mummy, it’s ok to do this”. I knew straight away. My heart was full of love instead of heartbreak and I could really believe you were with me. Are with me. Mummy starts her new job tomorrow, she is a bit nervous but excited too! I’ve organised my photography portfolio ready to take to the university tomorrow also. And your sister has named a star after you, she has put a map of the moon on her bedroom wall because she thinks you might visit it from time to time (she’d like to visit too I think!). She likes to see where you are and what you might be doing. She has just discovered guns & roses and we played sweet child of mine this morning while we made breakfast, I’m sure you danced too! 🙂  

Thank you for looking after us, I very much hope you can feel us looking after you too. Mummy and I think that when I asked you how we could send our love, you replied by helping us find some light in the dark. We think you are saying “be happy because I am always with you so that we can live the happiness together”. Even though I still cry everyday, I promise I will try. 

Miss you and love you heaps, lots of love & kisses,

Mummy xxxx