17 week Gender Scan

  
Just a quick update, we are having a little boy! I’m not sure what he’s doing in this photo or what’s what but you can see a hand waving! His head is in the dark background so you can’t see him. 

We booked a gender scan whilst away visiting family. We were both very nervous as we always are at scans and antenatal appointments. It was so lovely to see him and confirm the gender, he looks like a little baby now, all in proportion. We are both really excited to be having a boy again, it has also started to get more real now. I’m starting to think there is actually a baby on the way. When I saw him it made me think of Robyn and all he things I won’t know about him now and how he fought on for as long as he did even though he was poorly. He is such a brave boy and has brought us a lovely little brother. I hope Robyn feels involved as much as I feel he is.

As for me I now have a bump, bending is not that comfortable now! I’m starting to gain weight steadily each week. I’m also in the midst of second trimester insomnia which I’m hoping will succumb to warm milky drinks and reading. This morning though I was awake from 1-5am. He is very wriggly at that time and his movements are becoming stronger and more noticable. I love feeling him moving around 🙂

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16 weeks

  
Today we had our 16 week check with the midwife. I’d been dreading it in the days leading up to it because as each appointment approaches I fear that I’ll be told the baby has died. It’s a scar I can never cover or heal, the shock and utter distress when we were told Robyn had died was beyond heart stopping. 

I told the midwife I had been dreading the appointment because I was worried she wouldn’t be able to find a heartbeat with the doppler. She is so understanding of how we feel which helps because I feel I can talk to her about my anxieties. Thankfully though she found baby’s heartbeat straight away, it’s such a lovely sound. I could listen to it all day. Now we have a date for our 20 week scan, talk and handouts have turned to information about parenting classes and feeding options. I’m still getting my head around being pregnant again. There will never be a point I reach were I can relax and have the pregnancy I had dreamed of during the time we were trying to conceive. We try to enjoy what we can, we live day to day. Now that I’m starting to feel movement I’m beginning to realise there really is a little person in there. 

I always think of Robyn, think that he’s here again in a way, saying hello and living new experiences with his sibling. This would have been his first Christmas. Seeing the Christmas bibs and outfits in the shop windows makes my heart sink. I instinctively want to pick them up but realise he isn’t here to wear them. He has his own bauble on the Christmas tree and I talk to him every morning and night. I still pine for him and miss him. I still cry and long to hold him again. To get through the heartache I have to think that he is living on alongside his sibling, I feel like he’ll get the chance to see and do the things I wanted for him. 

He will be in my heart on Christmas Day as he is everyday. As he is in the heartbeat of this baby. 

Happy 1st Christmas in the clouds little man, love from mummy xxxx

The Second Trimester. Again.

  
Arrival into the second trimester, for most, is met with relief and excitement. For us it’s an increase in anxiety in some ways, especially as we approach the time we lost Robyn.

Today we went to the antenatal clinic which has been a tense build up since we got the appointment letter. Returning to the clinic where we found out we had lost Robyn was something we almost wanted to avoid but the only way to overcome it was to face it head on. Sitting in the waiting room was manageable overall, it was having the scan that set things off. I had tears rolling down my face when he started the scan, the flashbacks of our last scan with Robyn, fears of hearing the words “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat”. Knowing what we had been through and how anxious we were, he was very swift and let us know straight away that baby was fine. 

Baby was lying with his back to us so I had to turn on my side and cough a few times to get him to move, which eventually he did! He is measuring ahead by three days and doing lovely so far. This is the second scan were possible boy bits where sighted… The consultant who scanned us last week said he thought it was a little boy. I asked him what made him think that? To which he replied, “that pointy up bit between it’s legs”. Ohhh! So we shall see.

We are seeing the consultant again in a couple of weeks and will be having a lot of growth scans throughout, mainly due to my thyroid. We’re relieved to get this hurdle out of the way. Next one is the midwife in a week or so which I worry about her not finding a heartbeat. I guess we’ll be plagued with these worries all throughout. 

When I look at this little one, I can see Robyn in them, the little nose and mouth. I wonder how alike they might look. It’s amazing to be pregnant again, it’s just such a mix of emotions because I miss Robyn so much. I think some people feel it’s all ok now because we’re expecting again but it doesn’t make up or take away the grief. I think it’s just hard for people to imagine joy and grief co-existing.

Keep growing sprout boy xx