4 Weeks In

Ok, so I finally have a couple of minutes spare to write a post. I’ve longed to write for the last 4 weeks but things have been all over the place. So while I’m sat shovelling cake into my mouth and drinking coffee, which is all I seem to live on these days as there is never really time for a meal, I can update you as Oskar sleeps. 

Things where busy when we got home from hospital, as they are with all new parents. Oskar likes to wake every 2 hours during the night and as he is a slow feeder, by the time he is ready to be put down in his moses basket, it was time to start all over again. This relentless schedule took it’s toll on me and with an already increased risk of postpartum psychosis, my mind crashed and was invaded by paranoid thoughts and shear terror. I started to think Oskar wasn’t mine and was terrified to go out because I thought people would harm both him and me. I became paranoid about my own partner and wouldn’t allow her to do any feeds. 

With thanks to my quick acting consultant and the brilliant home treatment team, I am now starting to feel more like myself and my head is much less scrambled. Not forgetting my amazing wife who has sacrificed herself to doing the night feeds so that I can take medication and get some sleep too. She is my rock and I don’t know what I would do without her. 

Oskar is just gorgeous, even when he screams or when he pee’s on me at changing time, he’s perfect. I hope that I’m doing all I can for him, sometimes it doesn’t feel enough and I feel like I’m failing him. One mum wrote to me this week and said that all he will know is that he’s fed, clean and loved and when he’s older he won’t remember anything apart from that. I’m holding on to this statement, it gives me hope on days when I’m anxious and tearful. 

I am slowly but surely making my way into the worldwide Oskar and have this week been out on a few walks and travels, some of which have been by myself. I’m not tracking round in the way I had planned but hopefully I’ll get there.

Times up! Oskar is awake and wants his feed. Until next time.