What a bitter sweet day it has been today. When I went through IVF I used to dream of Mother’s Day. Of cards made from tiny hands, of feeling blessed and whole. Which maybe sounds a bit idealistic for a day that’s probably more driven by card companies than appreciation of mothers. After I lost you, the pain of Mother’s Day experienced during treatment was ramped up because it wasn’t just about dreams anymore, it was about what could have been.
Mother’s Day when you have come out of IVF and lucky enough to have a baby, is an unusual experience. On one hand I feel a betrayal to my IVF days, on the other I feel sadness that you are not here and then on another hand there is some happiness at my first Mother’s Day with your brother. I have not been sure where to put myself all day.
I imagine by now you would probably be able to make a little scribble in a card with some assistance, that you would have been able to climb onto our bed and wake me up. I miss that I have not had those things. I miss that I have not heard your voice or your little words. I miss you so much today and everyday. So many mothers out there are heavy hearted today thinking of their little ones who were taken too soon.
There are no cards from heaven, no flowers or phone calls. There are only painted faces and superficial smiles, that hide the grief behind the eyes of every woman missing their angel or longing for a baby.
I tried to enjoy what I could today, to be thankful for what I have as I know that is what you would want for me to do. It just felt like there was something missing. But it feels that way each day.
Missing you so very much,
Lots of love, Mummy xxxx