6.06am

Dear Robyn,

it seems too early for tears but that’s what I’m doing right now at 6.06am, tears streaming down my face. Maybe today is not a good day. It’s my morning not to get up with your brother too but I’ve been awake a while, just thinking, not really about anything but about everything at the same time. I slept on the sofa last night, sometimes I can’t bear to go to bed, it signifies the end of another day, a formal moving forward and I don’t think I’m ready for that. 

I saw the psychologist from the team yesterday and he gave me a brilliant booklet about recovery after postpartum psychosis, it is just what I needed to give me a map for these early weeks out of hospital. But he also talked about you and about grief and whether some of what I was feeling was unresolved grief. With not having much time between losing you and getting pregnant again I guess I didn’t have much time to grieve, he said 2 years seems to be a period of time after which things gets easier. It will be two years next month but it doesn’t feel two years at all. 

We have been thinking of doing something to mark your passing again, just to remember you and talk about you, to remember all the things we would have done together. I guess I hadn’t thought that I could do these things whenever and that I didn’t have to wait for a special date. 

One other person who was a great part of your story is now no longer in my life in the way they once were which is kind of like grieving all over again, I’ve lost another of the few parts of you I had. I’m not sure they know or if they even care but to me it’s like losing you all over again. Still, that’s life I suppose, full of loss.

Love you lots,

Mummy xxxx

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