Something very interesting happened this weekend, the emotion of which completely took me by surprise. I have finally got my first period since having Oskar and I can’t tell you how happy I am about it! I’ve not had one for 11 months, the last one was September when I got pregnant.
For the first time since January 2011 I don’t have to track my cycles, think about ovulation, worry about whether I ovulate too early, worry about if I have spotting in the middle of my cycle, how many days a cycle is- 25, 26, 28. I don’t have to worry about wasting an egg, about peeing on ovulation tests, about whether I’m fertile.
I don’t have to make a decision about which month to cycle, I don’t need to call the clinic to say it’s day 1, I don’t need blood tests, scans, I don’t need to shave my legs!
I don’t need injections, I don’t need to panic about whether it’ll fall on a Sunday when the clinic is closed and it will be cancelled and I don’t need pessaries!
I don’t need to chase my thoughts through the tunnels of “will I get pregnant, won’t I get pregnant”.
My period doesn’t symbolise failure, it doesn’t symbolise grief, It doesn’t symbolise a chance lost. It doesn’t symbolise the being on hold that life feels during treatment.
For the first time in years my period means nothing. Absolutely nothing! It’s unbelievably liberating. I’ve reclaimed my body from years of stress, tests, scrutiny and sperm. From pregnancy and loss and pregnancy again, from surgery, breast milk and raging hormones. I can just have a period!!
My body is mine again. Just mine, for me.
I felt the weight lift from my shoulders and it was only then that I realised how much stress we had been under for such a long time.
I almost did an ovary dance at my favourite place in the countryside. I spent many a day here gathering my thoughts after failed cycles, in between treatment and after losing Robyn. Going there over the weekend felt special, I really don’t have the words to share it with you. Maybe when I’ve processed it I will.
Afterwards we had some lunch while we were out, just us and Oskar. It was a really nice day just being in that moment with no clouds of fertility treatment hanging over us.