I’m 38+2 and sprout will be arriving next week via c section. It is still so surreal, when I think back to the place we where in this time last year after losing Robyn, to where we are now about to have our little miracle. This next week can’t go quick enough for us, we just want to get him here safely and know that he’s healthy. It is still a frightening time, I don’t think the fear of loss ever leaves you once you have encountered it. It keeps a firm grasp of your hopes and pulls you back from the normal excitement that others feel.
When I was pregnant with Robyn I could visualise him and our life together as a family but after the trauma of his loss it is too frightening to imagine this baby to some extent. The fear is that if we allow ourselves to fully indulge in the imagining of our little family, something might go wrong and take it all away again.
So for now we imagine each day rather than any further ahead. Each evening when we sit down at the table to eat dinner, it’s like another milestone, another day done, another step closer to meeting and holding our baby. I am very much looking forward to seeing him and hearing him, it just seems like a dream. I often think I’m going to wake up to find I never was pregnant and it was all imagined. Even though I have this big bump and feel lots of movement, it is still surreal.
This week while we have been spending time together walking the dog, we have been followed by robin’s and butterflies on every path. We always say hello and wave as we know it’s Robyn coming to say hello and let us know he is with us. I know he’ll be with us every step of the way next week and that is such a comfort.
I hope to have some good news to share in 8 days time.