a year ago today we found out I was pregnant with you and your twin brother. Although we didn’t know we had identical twins for another couple of weeks. I remember that Sunday, I took myself off to bed and cried all afternoon because I thought it had failed again. I only took a test so that I didn’t have to agonise over it, I’d have an answer either way. When the lines came up I thought the test was faulty.
But it wasn’t. And a few days later there you were, clear as can be on the beta results at the clinic. I remember every word the nurse said when we called for the results. I remember the knot in my stomach, watching the clock waiting for the results line to open. I remember asking her if they were definitely my results and not someone else’s. She laughed and said “congratulations”. I remember the fear, the joy, the surreal moment sat on the stairs and mummy holding my hand.
Now begins a painful few months of anniversarys of memories such as scans, of when we bought your crib, of Facebook posts and photographs. Of the day we lost you and soon, the day of your first birthday. Little boys should have presents and cake and lots of love on their birthdays. I am still working out how I can make sure you get all of those things when you are not here for me to shower you in them. How will you get a real birthday? How will you know how much we love and miss you every minute of every day?
I try to take comfort in having your brother, knowing he is a part of you, conceived at the same time. He carries a little piece of you. I just miss you so much, the pain is still raw.
Sleep tight mush pea, see you in the morning,
Love you lots, mummy xxxx