Today we had our 16 week check with the midwife. I’d been dreading it in the days leading up to it because as each appointment approaches I fear that I’ll be told the baby has died. It’s a scar I can never cover or heal, the shock and utter distress when we were told Robyn had died was beyond heart stopping.
I told the midwife I had been dreading the appointment because I was worried she wouldn’t be able to find a heartbeat with the doppler. She is so understanding of how we feel which helps because I feel I can talk to her about my anxieties. Thankfully though she found baby’s heartbeat straight away, it’s such a lovely sound. I could listen to it all day. Now we have a date for our 20 week scan, talk and handouts have turned to information about parenting classes and feeding options. I’m still getting my head around being pregnant again. There will never be a point I reach were I can relax and have the pregnancy I had dreamed of during the time we were trying to conceive. We try to enjoy what we can, we live day to day. Now that I’m starting to feel movement I’m beginning to realise there really is a little person in there.
I always think of Robyn, think that he’s here again in a way, saying hello and living new experiences with his sibling. This would have been his first Christmas. Seeing the Christmas bibs and outfits in the shop windows makes my heart sink. I instinctively want to pick them up but realise he isn’t here to wear them. He has his own bauble on the Christmas tree and I talk to him every morning and night. I still pine for him and miss him. I still cry and long to hold him again. To get through the heartache I have to think that he is living on alongside his sibling, I feel like he’ll get the chance to see and do the things I wanted for him.
He will be in my heart on Christmas Day as he is everyday. As he is in the heartbeat of this baby.
Happy 1st Christmas in the clouds little man, love from mummy xxxx