Today we went to the antenatal clinic which has been a tense build up since we got the appointment letter. Returning to the clinic where we found out we had lost Robyn was something we almost wanted to avoid but the only way to overcome it was to face it head on. Sitting in the waiting room was manageable overall, it was having the scan that set things off. I had tears rolling down my face when he started the scan, the flashbacks of our last scan with Robyn, fears of hearing the words “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat”. Knowing what we had been through and how anxious we were, he was very swift and let us know straight away that baby was fine.
Baby was lying with his back to us so I had to turn on my side and cough a few times to get him to move, which eventually he did! He is measuring ahead by three days and doing lovely so far. This is the second scan were possible boy bits where sighted… The consultant who scanned us last week said he thought it was a little boy. I asked him what made him think that? To which he replied, “that pointy up bit between it’s legs”. Ohhh! So we shall see.
We are seeing the consultant again in a couple of weeks and will be having a lot of growth scans throughout, mainly due to my thyroid. We’re relieved to get this hurdle out of the way. Next one is the midwife in a week or so which I worry about her not finding a heartbeat. I guess we’ll be plagued with these worries all throughout.
When I look at this little one, I can see Robyn in them, the little nose and mouth. I wonder how alike they might look. It’s amazing to be pregnant again, it’s just such a mix of emotions because I miss Robyn so much. I think some people feel it’s all ok now because we’re expecting again but it doesn’t make up or take away the grief. I think it’s just hard for people to imagine joy and grief co-existing.
Keep growing sprout boy xx