Back to the Future

  
Dear Robyn,

we have had an emotional couple of weeks haven’t we. Mummy and I are comforted to have your ashes back from the wonderful Special Care Feotal Creamtions service in Sheffield. You are the first baby born before 24 weeks to be cremated in this way and also the service’s first cremation. I am really proud of you for making your own piece of history.

Mummy and I have been taking small steps into the world and it has been a very trying time. We are going back to our life now that our future has gone. But we can’t go back to life as it was before. We are in a time warp where everything is back to front and nothing makes sense. On somedays I have started to feel that you are with me all the time, that you’re in my blood and in everything that I do. Other days still feel very detached from you, like you are lost and I am wondering and searching for you. Somedays I still think you are going to come back and this past few months will have been a mistake. 

Then the reality hits me that you really have gone and no amount of tears or screaming, anger or heartache will ever change it. I am still learning that this is fact, not fiction. We have come down to Cornwall which is one of our favourite places. Each time we come here I’ve said “next time we come we’ll have a baby”. Every year came around and we visited still with no baby. And again now with no baby, just your memories. There is so much I don’t know about you and I never will know now. I wanted to show you all the beaches, teach you to surf, watch you play in the sea and sleep tight after a long day of new experiences. It breaks my heart that we won’t get to do these things. 

I hope that you are with us this week so that we can show you some of the beaches. It’s not the way I wanted to show you but it’s the only way I can now. We are going to pick up some shells and stones for your memory box and write your name in the sand. How about we build the biggest sandcastle we can? I’ve got some flags we can put in the top.

Lots of love and kisses, miss you heaps, Mummy xxxxxx

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