Blue Moon

  
Weekends are a lonely time. A stretch of restless, timeless hours. Sunrise rolls into sunset and back out again, like a tide of light that bookmarks the days. Weekends used to be days I looked forward to, for family time. The house feels so empty and quiet when it should have been a busy and noisey time with our baby on the way.

There’s no nursery to finish off, no car seat to collect, no cloth nappies to prepare, no blankets to wash & dry on the line, no “wife, do that DIY before the baby comes” and no maternity leave to plan. 

No 3rd trimester afternoon naps, no bump for my wife to put moisturiser on anymore or to kiss goodnight, no kicks or movements, no cravings, no maternity clothes, no shiney hair and glowing skin.

No excitement, no plans, no role or purpose, no life planned out, no day dreams about places to show him or things to teach him. No anxiety about breast feeding, no antenatal appointments or baby yoga. No sleepless nights, no teething, no colic and no screaming. No new baby smell, no snuffly noises, no cuddles and kisses.

Just a void of raw sadness and the anxiety of such a vast empty space now he has gone. I don’t know what to do with myself at the weekends now. Is this it? Is this life?

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6 thoughts on “Blue Moon

  1. There are no words to give you, to alleviate your pain. All I can say is that I read you, I hear you; I acknowledge your wounds and your right to those wounds. And I wish with all of my soul that it was different.

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  2. I felt very similarly in the months following our daughter’s unexpected death. Her unused belongings were painful reminders of the way I wanted things to turn out. Although the pain and emptiness is still there, I learned to live with it and to find hope and happiness in other things. I remember waking up one morning realizing that I was still sad but had actually been functioning like a sane adult for a few weeks. Prayers are headed your way for the difficult days.

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    • Thank you so much for your message, I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter, sending you lots of love xx I’ve been asking myself the “how” question this last week, how will I learn to live with it. I’m guessing there is no defined answer, and that it just happens somehow. I find the endlessness of it really hard x

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