to my gorgeous boy, sending you so much love as always. Mummy and I went to the hospital yesterday for your postmortem results. I know I talked to you before bed last night and cried a lot, I am relieved in a way to have answers but it doesn’t take the pain away.
We know now that it was amniotic band disruption sequence that caused you to pass away. The consultant explained that you would have needed some operations if you had made it, I know that you were poorly but soldiering on. I am so sorry that one of these bands was around the chord and stopped you from getting everything you needed. I feel so sorry that you were battling on but it was the band around the chord that caused you to pass away. I am just so sorry that I couldn’t fix it for you and make you better. I wouldn’t have wanted to see you poorly and having operations as a newborn but I just want you to know that we love you regardless of any illness, you will always be my special boy. I am so sad that you were poorly and at the same time sad that you didn’t get a life as I just wanted for you to feel all of our love.
I hope that you are always by my side day and night, through all the changing seasons, so that you can continue to feel all of our love. You are such a brave little boy and I am so proud of you. Thank you for all that you have taught me on various levels since you came into my life. I was feeling very sad last week but I think I’m getting through it. You’ll know that mummy and I have been making plans for a fresh start and I am finally going to commit some time to my photography. It was the push I needed and I did promise you that I would show you the world in photographs. I hope you will hold my hand and come with me on these new but slightly scary paths. I feel such guilt for carrying on but at the same time I feel I would dishonour you if I stopped still and fell apart. I feel torn and I don’t want you to feel upset or cross with me, I want to give you everything I can even though it’s not in the ways that I imagined when you were dancing about in my tummy.
It’s a slow road but I am on the road and will keep all of the promises I made you. Maybe this is a bit of what people describe when they say they find a way of living with the pain and sadness. We hope that if we are lucky enough to be blessed with another baby, they will be your full sibling and the closest we can have to you. I know that you will live on in them which gives us the strength to try again.
You are my first boy always and I love you and miss you very much. And by the way little man, I know that’s you messing with the lights in the house! And I know that’s you who switches the fairy lights on at random times! I love these little signs so keep up the good work 🙂 Come for a big snuggle at bed time tonight, love you lots,