Forgetting

Dear Robyn,

how are you? I hope you are safe and warm. I shouldn’t need to ask you how you are, I should know how you are because you should still be here. 

It has been a really tough week and I have been very sad. I am trying to keep going for you so that I can show you all the things in life but it gets really difficult at times. I did go out yesterday though, finally. We had a walk at Burbage in the peaks, did you come too? I noticed there was one lone bird that followed us for the couple of hours we were there. I thought it was probably you. I picked up a pine cone for your memory box as it was the last place I went with you the day before you were born.

It’s easier to go to places that are still and don’t evolve because I feel still now. It’s too difficult to go out into the parts of the world that are still moving and still breathing. People move on and forget, the world moves on and forgets. But I haven’t moved and I haven’t forgotten. I am still where I was 5 weeks ago when I held you in the hospital in awe of how perfect you were. Just tiny. 

I haven’t forgotten what it felt like. I haven’t forgotten what you look like, I haven’t forgotten your blanket and your teddy. I haven’t forgotten the photos we left to be kept with you. I haven’t forgotten how it felt to see you for the first time and feel overwhelmed by seeing my baby for the first time, it’s the same as holding a live child. The rush of happiness and wonder is still there, it’s just overshadowed by loss. I haven’t forgotten. 

I haven’t forgotten that you will never have a birthday or open a present. I haven’t forgotten that I will never see your face on the morning of your birthday or christmas. I haven’t forgotten that I will never bake you a cake. I haven’t forgotten that I will never hear your first word or watch you take your first steps or see you start school. I haven’t forgotten that I’ve lost not just a baby but a toddler, a school boy, a teenager, an adult. I haven’t forgotten that I’ve lost you forever. 

I haven’t forgotten anything. On the contrary, I remember everything. I will remember you today when the sun shines. I hope you are playing happily in the clouds. Sending you lots of kisses, love from mummy xxxxx

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2 thoughts on “Forgetting

  1. Im sure youre getting tired of me posting incessantly, i just want you to know I’m listening, I’m reading, and I’m here, even if I’m not really there. How cruel that what you are left to remember, what you haven’t forgotten, are tragic moments, are painful memories and hurt. I hope one day you can look back on that rush of happiness and that wonderment you mention, and find it outweighs the sorrow. Hugs to you.

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