you are 4 weeks old today. I can’t believe it has been 4 weeks. In real time 4 weeks seems like a sizeable amount if time. We feel no better than we did 4 weeks ago. If anything we feel worse. We are still in shock, still think this isn’t happening, still think we will wake up tomorrow and find it was all just a bad dream. We are on auto pilot, there is only white noise in our ears. Sometimes we go a day without crying, we are just numb. Everything washes over us. Other days we are inconsolable. I don’t think I have ever sobbed this way before.
We are no less heartbroken. No less affected. No less angry. We are living on a very tiny treadmill. I don’t go out much because I still look pregnant but I am so empty. I can’t bare that there is a world outside that continues to breathe and move forward forcing me further away from you. I am dreading the month moving into June. We are still building up to collecting you from the hospital. I have not forgotten you I just can’t let you go yet.
What will I do without you? What will I do with all the love I wanted to wrap you up in? What will I do with my hopes and dreams for you? What will I do with the memories I wanted to carve for you? What will I do with the knowledge I wanted to give you? What will I do with your tiny clothes and your crib? What will I do at christmas? What will winters and springs look like? What will Saturdays look like? What will we feel like in 10 years? What will I do with my time? What will I do when I can never comfort you when you cry and never hear you laugh? What am I for now my role for you has gone?
There is so much I want to do for you but I can’t do any of it now. All I can do is lay you to rest and wait for the postmortem results. I am being sad again I know 😦 I miss you more every day. I hope you are playing in the clouds with your friends, come and send me a sign soon. Lots of love, mummy xxxxx