Four Weeks

  

 
Dear Robyn,

you are 4 weeks old today. I can’t believe it has been 4 weeks. In real time 4 weeks seems like a sizeable amount if time. We feel no better than we did 4 weeks ago. If anything we feel worse. We are still in shock, still think this isn’t happening, still think we will wake up tomorrow and find it was all just a bad dream. We are on auto pilot, there is only white noise in our ears. Sometimes we go a day without crying, we are just numb. Everything washes over us. Other days we are inconsolable. I don’t think I have ever sobbed this way before. 

We are no less heartbroken. No less affected. No less angry. We are living on a very tiny treadmill. I don’t go out much because I still look pregnant but I am so empty. I can’t bare that there is a world outside that continues to breathe and move forward forcing me further away from you. I am dreading the month moving into June. We are still building up to collecting you from the hospital. I have not forgotten you I just can’t let you go yet. 

What will I do without you? What will I do with all the love I wanted to wrap you up in? What will I do with my hopes and dreams for you? What will I do with the memories I wanted to carve for you? What will I do with the knowledge I wanted to give you? What will I do with your tiny clothes and your crib? What will I do at christmas? What will winters and springs look like? What will Saturdays look like? What will we feel like in 10 years? What will I do with my time? What will I do when I can never comfort you when you cry and never hear you laugh? What am I for now my role for you has gone? 

There is so much I want to do for you but I can’t do any of it now. All I can do is lay you to rest and wait for the postmortem results. I am being sad again I know 😦 I miss you more every day. I hope you are playing in the clouds with your friends, come and send me a sign soon. Lots of love, mummy xxxxx

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One thought on “Four Weeks

  1. I know so well the feeling that time marches ever forward, taking you with it and taking you further from your son. I also know that feeling that every normal moment, every smile and every laugh is an unforgivable betrayal against him. The pain lets us feel closer; connected to those we’ve lost.

    I know it doesn’t feel like it, but your boy is not preserved in this time, this stage of sadness. He is with you as much now as he will be when life finds a new normal, when you’re feeling more hopeful. Don’t be afraid for time to pass, it doesn’t mean you have to let him go.

    But be kind to yourselves. You deserve time to grieve as long and as deeply as you need. Hugs to you.

    Like

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