Life without Robyn

 

Written on April 27th 2015

He is 5 days old today. I miss him terribly. Every morning when I wake up I think that the hospital will call to say he’s fine and that we can come and pick him up. In reality the only call we will receive from the hospital is when we can pick him up for his funeral. 

Dear Robyn, I miss you so much. I didn’t realise just how much you could miss someone until now. Some moments in the day I don’t know how I will ever push on. I look at my photos of you every day. You are so perfect. I wish so much that I could hold you again and then place you back in my tummy for another few months until I met you all over again. I hope that you are not upset with me for losing you. I did everything I was advised and didn’t over do anything. I thought I had given you the best start I could. I worry that my body failed you and that I didn’t save you. I had no idea that your heart would stop beating. I had to pain or bleeding. All I had was nausea that I’d had from 4 weeks. I wish I had known something so I could have saved you.
My body is aching and sore as it tries to contract and produce milk, it cries out “where is the baby?” 
Mummy & I have signed up for a 13 mile bike ride in memory of you to raise funds for the charity Sands (stillbirth & neonatal loss). We thought it would give us a positive focus on your life and a way in which we could lean on each other. Only thing is we currently have one bike between us because the other is a bmx 🙂 But we are picking up another bike this week.
The sun has shone everyday since you were born and today a little robin landed in the garden. It was like you came down to say hello. I hope you are safe and warm, your mummies love you so very much little prince xxxx

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